change is hard.

My best friend of over 15 years is moving.  Far away.  To Minnesota.

I kind of feel like my heart is breaking.  Depressed.  Sad.  It's bittersweet.  {But mostly bitter.}

Todd got a too-good-to-resist job offer in MN and they are moving mid November.  I am super stoked for Todd and this opportunity for him to further his career.  Zac and I agree he's kind of a genius and we both know he'll be uber successful-especially after this chance to learn & grow in the best way--through experience.  I'm not stoked to lose Amber, though.

I've known for a while now-since my trip to Seattle when it was just a new possibility in the lives of the Fischer fam-but it's still not settling or getting any easier.  I cried for about two days straight after Amber and I talked about it "maybe" happening.  I hoped and prayed that it might not.  Then I prayed that whatever was best for their family would happen.  Yes, I even did a little bargaining with the Lord, for what I wanted to happen.  They visited Minnesota and checked out the area.  I missed her and it was only four days.

I didn't cry when she called to say they were definitely going two weeks ago.  But not because I wasn't completely devastated.  More because I was in shock.  I kept hoping it wouldn't happen.  And, I panicked.  It was as if my mind was suddenly flooded with every memory we'd made together.  And in 15 years, it's a lot, in case you were wondering.  Practically every thought was somehow put in the context of when I'd done that with Amber, when I'd been there with her, etc. I was getting teary eyed everywhere I went: the library, M&W, passing the school, the post office...

People always have the best intentions when learning about things like this.  Common responses are:
-It's going to be okay.  You still have email, phone calls, skype, texting, facebook, chat, etc.
-Something great will come from this
-You're friendship will just get stronger
-You can go visit her & she can come visit you

Here's the thing.  I know that stuff.  I know {and believe in-mostly} the quotes that say, "no distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each others worth," and "nothing will ever change so much that we're not still friends,"

But even still...
I don't remember life without Amber.
We've been friends for over half my lifetime.
I don't think I've ever gone more than three weeks in a row without spending time with her in person.  And that long a period has been extremely rare.
We talk/text/communicate several times a week and get together at least once a week.
Our kids are best friends.
Our husbands are best friends.
Every big event in my life has the memory of her in it.
She loves me as unconditionally as my mom.  And that's saying a lot.

Our mutual high school friend Chris-who is one of the few people from that period in our lives who ever seemed to really "get" me & Amber-wrote this to me on Facebook after realizing she was moving.  "I know :(  I feel bad for you. You won't be able to make on-the-fly plans anymore, but you'll get vacations and holidays, right? And, you know what they say? 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' So, it'll make the time you do spend together even more valuable, right? Plus, with Facebook and video chat, you'll probably see even more of each other... Chin up kid."  

And even though everyone else has said essentially the same thing, coming from someone who understands how tight our friendship is, I believed it.  And, I love that he acknowledged the one thing I've struggled with the most.  The on-the-fly plans.  It's true that with technology right now, we will be able to be in contact often.  And yes, we'll even fly back & forth and see each other.  And even though we don't see each other every single day right now, it's the knowledge that we could if we wanted to.  That if she needed me or I needed her, we'd only need 20 minutes to be there.  The random sleepovers, the quick shopping trips or lunch dates, the trading kids on the fly. 

Another friend of mine, Kelli, said to me the other day, "I don't think many people can understand the friendship between you and Amber.  Because it's super rare to have a friendship like that."  And because it's been mine, I've taken it for granted and not realized that.  But now that she's moving, I get it.  Now that I've talked to more people and realized that most people don't have an Amber, I realize.  It is rare.  And for that reason I know it won't be tainted by distance or time.  But it still really sucks.  And even though I'm elated for Todd & his opportunity, proud of Amber for standing with & supporting her husband, and even excited for the new people Amber will meet & photograph & bless for being a part of their lives, there's a huge part of me that is just plain sad.  And pleading for her not to leave me behind.  Or forget me.  Or for anything to change.   

I love my friend.  I'll miss her.  My mom is another person who understands really well what I'm going through because she has seen & known us and our friendship.  Amber loves me as unconditionally as my mom does.  And that's saying a lot.

Change is hard.