epiphany.

Recently I had an epiphany-which in reality was a personal revelation experience-but I like saying the word epiphany. 

You may or may not remember my post several months back about our stake conference where the speaker {Elaine Dalton} emphasized the scripture in 1 Samuel 2:30 which says, "They who honor God, God will honor."  It made an impact on me then and has continued to ever since.  We have it hanging in our home and I remind myself of it often. 

A few weeks ago I was driving in the car and thinking how frustrated with myself I was that I struggle so much with just liking myself where I'm at.  I've always expected a lot of myself and know that fact most likely won't change-and a bit of that is even healthy-but I know I need to tone it down a bit as well.  I am not that way at all when it comes to other people {except Grayson & that's another problematic side effect that is a post for another time as I am obviously projecting my self expectations onto him...}, but super hard on myself always, and in every area. 

Lately-indeed my whole life-it's been my physical appearance.  I even feel like I look pretty good, but am not at that goal I set for myself yet & so am feeling like a failure.  {FYI: Totally not looking for pity/compliments/etc. here, just giving you some back-story & needing to journal this for mine & my posterity's sake}.  So back to driving in the car.  I was by myself & talking out loud to God as I often do when I have alone time in the car and it's just quiet.  I was just hashing all this stuff out loud to Him and all of a sudden remembered that scripture, but differently and likened to my situation.  My version said, "If I'm not honoring me, I'm not honoring Thee..."  Whoa.  By always beating myself up, never accepting my best as good enough, sabotaging myself and my efforts to be better, and putting myself down in my head on a consistent basis, I am basically telling Heavenly Father that His work {aka: me} isn't good enough.  It was actually emotional for me as I realized part of my journey to optimal health has to come in honoring myself.  I'll never get there otherwise.  And sadly, it can't come from anyone else.  I know this because I have the best husband/family/friends/blog readers/kids in the world who tell me often how loved and beautiful I am.  I can even sometimes graciously accept their compliments & on rare occurrences feel a glimmer that what they're saying might be true.  But until I feel it & really believe it, it won't happen. 

In some areas this comes easy for me.  For instance, I pretty much really like my personality.  I like the kind of friend I am.  I feel like I try to fulfill my callings & live the gospel the best I can.  I am a decent neighbor, sister & daughter I think.  I fall short often as a wife.  Daily, as a mom.  But usually, it comes down to how I feel about my outward appearance & unfortunately, this affects every.other.area.in.my.life.  It's not even a vanity thing.  It's deeper.  I'm working on it and trying to figure it all out.  And, I know that all answers & healing will come only through my communication with Him and listening to the spirit-whose answers often come in the form of other people in my life- but for now, I'm trying to be better about honoring me, so that I am truly able to honor Him.


And I am inexpressibly grateful for the people He's seen fit to surround me with in this life.