the see you soon farewell

Amber's last night in my part of the world was January 3rd.  I wanted to say goodbye, but didn't at the same time.  She didn't want a big "to do" and I wanted to make it as easy as possible on her, so I had to run get some groceries after dinner when Zac could chill with the boys, and she went along with me.  We chatted all the way there, had fun getting groceries & doing something that we've done together lots of times-that just felt like any other night.  Before we left Otown, I grabbed a low carb burger from Carl's Junior {it's wrapped in lettuce rather than bread & absolutely delicious} and it had a super strong onion on it.  On the way home, she mentioned how she didn't want to have a big emotional goodbye because that just makes things harder, so I told her I was cool with that.  Then she unexpectedly whips out a letter she'd written me.  She said that because words of affirmation is my love language & we have written millions of notes/letters/cards/emails back & forth over the past 16 years, that's what she'd decided to do.  She said she just wrote down a few random things she'd thought of since she found out she was leaving.  She read it to me.  Of course I was crying as I was driving.  She said, "Are you crying?  You're not supposed to cry."  I said, "I'm not, it's the onions!" I composed myself & we talked about other stuff til I dropped her off.  Gave her a big hug, hugged Todd and the girls, and left quickly.  No tears, no big or long drawn out scene.

I did that because I didn't want to make it harder on her.  But what I was really feeling and wanted to say was that my heart felt like it was breaking in my chest.  That everything inside me wanted to scream & cry, "DO NOT MOVE TO MINNESOTA!  STAY HERE WITH ME.  DON'T LEAVE ME!!"  That I felt like a big part of me was being torn away. That the thought of her leaving was a physical pain as much as an emotional one.  That my world as I've known it & been comfortable in for so long was completely changing & being ripped apart.  That I felt helpless to stop what was happening.  That I hope she finds some amazing & great friends...but that I don't get replaced.  I love her.  She is my best friend.  She knows me better than I know myself.  She gets me 100%.  She loves me unconditionally.  She better come back sooner than later, and that if it was anyone other than Todd taking her away from me, I'd be kicking some butt.  Mostly, that I wish things were going to stay the same.  I know that nothing-even 22 hours & 1500 miles-can lessen our friendship, but it's the fact that I've been so comfortable {read: spoiled} having her so close, so available, so consistently there, and now it will take even more effort and although it's so worth it, it's so different.  Does that make any sense?

The next day, January 4th, Taylor had the boys while I took Zac to the doctor.  When he and I got home, I was gearing up to call clients & get some work done in the 2 hours I had before I needed to pick the boys up.  All a sudden, I saw Amber's note on the fridge, realized she was really on a plane that was taking her to Minnesota, where she was MOVING, and I just lost it.  I literally started sobbing and Zac just hugged me for a long time in the kitchen.  I said, "I wish she didn't have to go."  He just held me, didn't try to make it all better, and let me have that moment.  I appreciated that more than he knows.  Once I got it out, I felt a little better.

It's been almost a month now and although I still hate that she's so far away, still get teary when I see the note on my fridge, still find myself wanting to stop at her house when I'm over that way or call her to have a playdate, and I sometimes ask myself why the heck life has to go the way it does...we've actually had more contact & communication than we did when she lived 1/2 an hour from me.  We talk lots on the phone, send emails & FB messages almost daily, lots of daily texts, fun mail, and skype dates between us & the kiddos.  I have a feeling our friendship will just continue to strengthen through this move.

 I'm so so happy about that.

And, I'm happy she's happy, having fun, and seriously embracing the change she's experiencing.

PS: with that said, every piece of me still hopes this is a short term thing, but whether it is or isn't doesn't change anything about us.

PPS: Minnesota will definitely be seeing me in 2012.