missing him

March 30th marked one year since Tom's passing.  It'd been on our minds and hearts all week.  I'd find myself thinking of a specific Tom memory and tearing up.  I knew it was on Zac's mind.  He misses him.  I miss him.  We wish it was different.  It still feels so surreal that he's gone.  So unfair and so not right.  I know Heavenly Father has a plan and it's the right one, but it sure feels lonely without Tom around.  He was one of the great ones.

The morning of it was a bit somber around the house & Zac helped me get the boys ready to take them up to the cemetery.  We picked up some flowers and headed up.  It was an overcast morning, befitting our feelings.  We got out and set the flowers down, along with the little sign we'd made {Gray wrote his own G and Beckham colored lines}, and Zac just broke down & sobbed.  My heart broke for him.  After a while we packed up and dropped off an Easter Lily for Becca and the kids and came home.

We miss Tom's laugh.  We miss his random phone calls & texts when he'd share a joke and laugh so hard before hanging up.  We miss him dropping off our UPS packages and staying to talk for 20 minutes or more.  We miss him being an example in our kids lives.  We miss BBQ's, birthday parties, UFC watching with them & Hartley's, the six of us {and all our rugrats} hanging together, the spontaneous hanging at each other's houses last minute, card games, lots of eating food together, the way he could relax Zac simply by being around.  His bear hugs, his great memory, and the long conversations about anything and everything.  We miss him being with Becca and his kids.  We miss his daily friendship and the fact that no matter where we were or who was around, he treated us like we were royalty.  He loved unconditionally & fully and never judged anyone.  He brought out the best in people.  We miss Tom, completely.

We don't understand why it had to happen like it did, but we've learned a lot about ourselves in the year since his death.  We have spent lots and lots of hours with Becca and the kids, talk to her and/or get together at least weekly, and have tried to be there for her no matter what.  Our friendship has grown and deepened with her and her kiddos and we love them so much.  We've also realized more than ever this past year how fragile life is.  That we don't know when it will be our last day.  We've tried to love each other more, to focus on the things that matter most to us, and to strengthen our relationships with God and Jesus Christ so we can be sure to be together after this life.  We hope Tom knows how loved and missed he is, and we so look forward to seeing him again one day.  

Zac was pretty bummed all day, so I was thankful that Courtney was watching our kiddos so we could go on a date.  We dropped both boys around 3:15 and headed to the movies.  We had snacks and I was excited for Zac to see Hunger Games.  He didn't read the book, but I read it & basically told him every detail, so he felt like he had. (: It was a good time.  We both enjoyed the movie and the conversation it inspired afterward.  We had a good time being together and it cheered him up a bit.  We picked up two VERY happy boys and are so thankful for Courtney's willingness to keep them both.  They had a blast & couldn't stop talking about Max's cool toys, his slide, playing outside, and wearing Max's jammies & costumes {they played in the mud & had a tub}.  Thanks Courtney!  Spent the rest of the evening playing with the kids and exchanging our favorite funny Tom memories.  After the boys went to bed, we cuddled to a show and I felt so thankful for the minutes-however long-we have right now.