keep em coming {and a letter to my boys}

 {4 peeps 12 times: May edition}

The really great Sunday's, I mean. (: 

This past Sunday-Mother's day-was another exceptionally great one. 

We're on a good Sunday roll & I don't want them to end!

I got up to my boys {the ones who could talk at least} wishing me Happy Mother's day and helping me get everything ready for the morning.  Everyone was happy, we listened to some nice sacred music, and got something to eat in all of us.  Zac gifted me another spa day with Amber {I'm liking this tradition} which was perfect.  The best gift he gives me is that on a daily basis he treats me like I'm the best thing in the world.  He shows me every day how much he loves me and appreciates the mom I am.  He gives me way more credit than I deserve.  We were only about a minute late which is a record for us, but we still sat in the gym for Sacrament meeting.  Thank goodness we were next to Max because he was so sweet & shared his toys/goldfish/books with Grayson.  At one point he gave him something and ran back to his parents and said, "See, I am nice!"  So cute!  Totally cracked us up.  Some of the Bowns crew-including Denise-spoke and did an awesome job.  Zac kept nudging me during Denise's talk about our worth as mom's and saying, "are you listening to this?"  I have been rather down about myself in that area lately, but I know my kids know I love them and I really do adore them; her talk just helped reiterate those things for me.  Primary went well and we hurried home to change and go back to my folks for lunch. 

It was just our family for lunch which was really nice.  Kelsey made it back from Rexburg & we were all complete.  I loved it.  It was low key, delicious food, {Mom made two to-die-for-trifles}, and fun company to keep.  The boys played inside & outside and loved every minute.  Mom is always so sweet to give all four of her girls gifts on this day and gave us the "Our Best Bites" cookbook {which I've been coveting} and a sweet book/cd on Motherhood by Hilary Weeks which I'm already loving.  Dad gifted Mom and all his girls with an overnight trip to Boise complete with hotel accomodations, dinner at PF Chang's, and appointments to have our nails done {we're all getting shellac treatments}.  Woohoo!  We'll shop till we drop, maybe catch a movie, and have fun with just us five girls!  Thank you Dad!  

I can't say enough good about the woman who raised me.  She isn't done yet either.  I think I learn more now than I ever have...she is the epitome of selflessness and I love realizing that she's been where I am.  She can laugh at most things now, which gives me hope, and she often loves my boys when I am having a harder time doing that, and she continues to teach me the meaning of unconditional love.  She's accomplished some major personal goals for herself this year and I couldn't be more proud of her.  She looks incredible, is always beautiful, and radiates the spirit that she exemplifies.  I love her and am so grateful she is my mom, one of my very best friends, and my neighbor.  She rescues me often and I hope to be a rescuer-without enabling-like her to my own children.

I am so blessed to have a relationship & close friendship with my other mom, Wendy, as well.  She is one of the strongest women I know.  Mentally & physically.  She has a quiet but stalwart faith and always always gives me the benefit of the doubt.  She tells me often I'm doing a great job as a mom and that means so much to me.  She raised my husband to be a hard worker with a gentle soul & spirit.  She is always happy to take our kids & encourages us to take time to ourselves, take naps, and to play together & as a family.  I love her.

After eating & visiting a bit, we came home to try & get a nap.  We put Bex down and I put a VeggieTales movie on for Grayson in the living room and told him I was going to lay down on my bed with Zac thinking I'd get a good 15 minutes before he came in wanting to ask a question or tell me a story.  An hour and a half later I woke up out of a DEEP sleep-like I was climbing through a thick fog-and totally panicked.  I could hear the opening credits of the movie playing over & over and the house was otherwise silent.  I went out to find Grayson asleep on the couch.  He hasn't napped in a LONG time, so this was a big deal.  I also debated waking him because we all went down kinda late, so I didn't know if he'd wake up happy, but I decided to just chance it.  He, Bex, and Zac all slept another hour while I caught up on conference talks & blogs.  

 

Grayson woke up first and sheepishly came and sat on my lap.  Totally cute.  We woke up the other two and enjoyed the rest of the evening.  An impromptu "mother's day dance party" broke out in the kitchen and I was laughing so hard at all three of my sweet guys.  They bring me more joy than I ever thought possible and I can't imagine being or doing anything else right now.  The boys surprisingly went back to bed a couple hours later and Zac and I had our weekly executive planning meeting {I love these, by the way} & called it a night ourselves.  A perfect ending to a perfect Mother's day.

To Grayson and Beckham:

I want you to know that I love being your mom.

Parenting is harder than I ever thought possible.  Most days I fail you.

I have no idea if I'm doing things right.  Sometimes I'm effective, sometimes I'm not.

Sometimes I find myself anxiously waiting for bedtime and then when it comes wanting to go lay with you & watch you sleep or pick you up & cuddle you a little longer.

Because I know it's going fast.

Long days, short years.

I am OCD about a lot of things.  I get frustrated & sometimes yell more than smile.

I have whole days where I spent little quality time with you.

Where it seemed all I said that day was no, later, don't, etc.

When after you're in bed I have many regrets about the day.

Days when I want a complete do-over.

And you give it to me.

When you wake up...

You still love me.

You've forgiven me.

You trust me.

I'm good enough for you.

You remind me of all that is good.

You are resilient.

You make me want to be better.

You remind me that Heavenly Father trusts me.

He loves me and He knows you better than I do.

You are incredible spirits.  You each have traits that make you unique & things that can push my buttons and melt my heart.  You are beautiful.  You are all-boy boys & sensitive too.

I don't want your memories of me & your childhood to be of me cleaning, yelling, uptight, stressed, or tired.  I want you to remember that we read books, built forts, had picnics in the living room, had tickle wars, went on walks, & did out of the ordinary stuff.  I want you to remember me praying for and with you, teaching you, and giving you the things you need to grow to be men-in every aspect.

I am too hard on you.  I am too hard on me.

I'm adopting a new mantra from my friend Jessie.

"This is my Mother's Day gift to me {and to you boys}:

Acceptance, tolerance, and love without judgment- for myself, {for my children} and my decisions in motherhood. And as I learn to do these things for myself, it will carry over to my children. Acceptance, tolerance, and love without judgment. It's a tall order, but I'm going to start practicing on myself."

The Lord has entrusted me with you and even though I find myself questioning Him because I often feel inadequate, He knows.  He has His reasons.  And someday I'll see them too and have a greater awareness and understanding.  For now, I'm praying that I can be better.  

More accepting, more tolerant, and more loving.

So that hopefully you will be able to see and know Him...through me.

I love you.

Love, Mom